


Hand Holding is Usually for Couples

by Loser_Angel_666



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is so in love, Emotionally Constipated Dean, Hidden Feelings, Holding Hands, Human Emotions, I don't think, M/M, My first fic, No Spoilers, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Sam and Dean talk about Deans feelings, confused!Castiel, high fives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-27
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-04 18:30:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21202142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loser_Angel_666/pseuds/Loser_Angel_666
Summary: Dean doesn't have feelings for Castiel. And Castiel certainly doesn't have feelings for Dean. Except Sam totally knows that's not true. He thinks Dean knows it's not true. And Cas is pretty sure that human emotions are complicated, but what he feels for Dean is certainly not just friendship.First they hold hands, then Dean gets jealous. And Dean realizes that Cas shattered the jar that had been keeping all of Deans feelings hidden away. So now what?--“Why did you hold my hand?” Cas asks. Dean swallows.“I think my human emotions took over.”--





	1. 1: holding hands

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooooo  
This is my first fanfic that I've posted
> 
> I hope it's not too bad
> 
> Have fun reading and thanks

The dresser that Dean has pushed against the door came flying towards him, slamming him into the wall as the door bangs open. A tall figure with filthy pale hair and sunken dark eyes is standing in the doorway. Dean pushes against the dresser but it doesn’t move. He sees Sam coming from behind the thing with the rock-salt gun and Cas is in the corner rustling through drawers and cupboards.

Dean reaches around the top of the dresser to search through its drawers. Without bones to burn, they had to find the only other remnants they could think of. The man whose ghost was about to squish Dean to death with a dresser had taken out his own teeth and kept them in a leather satchel. They just had to find it.

“Dean! Heads” Sam yells as a vase comes flying towards Deans head. Dean ducks and it shatters against the walls. Sam shoots the ghost again, and starts shaking salt in the doorway.

Finally Cas pulls out a small bag from a box under the desk and looks inside. Dean sees the ghost man turn and Dean picks up a shard of glass from the vase and hurls it at him. Of course, there is not much of a reaction, but it gives Sam time to shoot it until Cas Can pull out the lighter and the ghost goes up in flames.

Sam helps Dean push away the dresser and Dean can’t help but let out a laugh. With all the demon and angel bullshit and the end of the freaking world, a simple ghost hunt was a nice break.

“I think we should head out to celebrate, we passed a good lookin diner a few miles out,” Dean suggests. Sam shrugs and Cas nods, so about 15 minutes later, the three of them are standing in the parking lot outside a little diner. Sam gets out of the passenger seat.

“For Cas’ first major ghost hunt, it went surprisingly well.” Sam was saying. “No one died and no one is too hurt.” He circles around to the trunk of the impala and starts to take off his hunting jacket.

“Yeah, nice job man,” Dean says, holding up his hand for a high-five.

Cas smiles, then looks up to Dean’s hand in confusion. Dean doesn’t lower it though, so Cas reaches up links his fingers with Dean, still looking as confused as ever.

Dean’s face immediately flushes. He closes his eyes and sighs, but doesn’t take away his hand.

“Cas... do you know what a high-five is?”

“Did I do it wrong?”

Dean hesitates. Does he really want to get into this? In truth, he never minded taking a minute to help Castiel adjust to human interaction. But he figured he liked to hold Cas’ hand. So he would go along with it for now.

“You know what, I’ll teach you how to do it later, don’t worry about it,” Dean says and he rearranged his hand with Cas’ so that their joined hands are hanging between them.

If Dean was looking he would see that Cas’ face is slightly red and he’s staring thoughtfully at Dean.

But of course Dean was looking away, hoping Cas wouldn’t notice him turning steadily more red.

Sam comes back around to the front of the car (now wearing a different jacket) to see Dean and Cas standing awkwardly, holding hands and not looking at each other. Both of them are red and Dean looks even more emotionally constipated than usual.

Sam stops. He looks at them, eyebrows raised and tries to stifle a laugh when Dean sends him a glare.

“So is this... like... a thing?” Sam asks. Cas looks at Dean in question.

“No. Not a thing. Cas doesn’t know what a high five is.” Sam is stopped from asking more by Deans glare so instead he just shakes his head and rolls his eyes. 

“Right, we heading in?” he says. Sometimes it’s better to not question his brother.

Once the three of them are seated, Sam pretends not to notice how Dean is still holding Cas’ hand under the table. Once the food gets to the table, they both free their hands from each other and act as if nothing happened.


	2. 2: was that a confession?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a small bit of jealous dean 
> 
> dean kinda has that 'oh shit' moment
> 
> I could've written both of these tropes better in a different fic, maybe I will one day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters in one night!
> 
> alright, so this one has a small bit of angst at the end and there is going to be a little more next chapter too, but it won't last long and it will all be good

Once they are back in their hotel room, Sam heads off to take a shower and Dean is cleaning off his guns on the bed.

Cas is looking contemplatively out the window. He turns around a suddenly and looks at Dean.

“I find holding hands to be quite pleasurable. It makes you feel warm and safe. I can see the appeal.” Cas says and Dean looks up with wide eyes. How does he respond to that?

“Yeah,” He shrugs, “ usually it’s couples who hold hands, but it can be nice.”

“Couples? Do friends hold hands?”

“I guess sometimes.” Dean nods, turning his gaze back to his guns.

Cas thinks for another moment.

“In my understanding of a couple, it consists of two people who care deeply for each other. They hold hands and hug and talk to each other. Do we not do all of that?”

Dean does a double take, realizing that okay, yes they do do all of that. Cas even said they had a profound bond. But it’s different. Their feelings for each other, although deep, are purely platonic. Right?

“Cas, there’s a difference between couples love and friends love.”

“I am aware.” 

Dean sighs. How is he supposed to explain to an angel of the lord that they aren’t dating just because they act like they are? Luckily, he is saved by Sam coming out of the bathroom in pajamas and Dean takes the opportunity to get his clothes and head for the shower, leaving Cas looking slightly confused.

It’s another few weeks before Dean is reminded of his strange friendship with Castiel. They are at a bar, Sam is asking around about the latest case they’re working on (All of the employees and bartenders have been going missing), while Dean and Cas are sitting at the counter, each with a beer, and they’re talking. As friends often do. 

It’s not long before a nice young lady comes up to them and squishes her boobs right into their personal space and starts talking to Cas. 

“Hey, seriously?” Dean says, annoyed. The woman turns to look at Dean.

“What? Your friend is attractive, he taken or something?” Dean splutters, he can’t exactly lie, Cas isn’t taken.

“Yes. I am.” Turns out Cas had other plans, because he pushes her away politely and smiles. “I’m sorry to disappoint.” And he lays his hand over Deans on the table.

“Oh!” The woman says, eyes widening. She looks at Dean who smiles nervously, red creeping up his neck, and he leans a little closer to Cas who takes Dean by surprise by leaning his head against Deans.

“Well you too are cute, sorry to bother you.” She says eventually and Dean sighs once she’s gone. They move their heads away, a somewhat appropriate distance to be considered really good friends.

“Sorry, Dean.” Cas says. Dean furrows his eyebrows.

“For what?”

“Making you uncomfortable. And scaring her off in case you were… interested in her.”

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable” Dean mumbles. “And I wasn’t interested in her.” Dean shrugs and takes a sip of his beer, removing his hand from under Cas’. 

Cas gives Dean a small nod. And that was the end of it.

Until they were leaving the bar, that is. Sam had left hours ago to chase a lead that neither Dean or Cas believed was worth following, so it was just the two of them.

Neither of them were drunk. Dean had one beer and Cas had two. Plus, angels take sufficiently longer to get drunk so he would’ve had a long way to go before he even got buzzed. 

They were walking close to each other, but not any closer than usual, both of them deep in thought. Suddenly Dean reaches out and takes Cas’ hand. Cas looks up at Dean, but Dean doesn’t look back, only starts to swing their hands between them softly. So Cas holds Dean's hand and smiles and when they get to the impala, Dean leans back against the drivers side door and looks at Cas. Cas stands there, facing him, and looks back.

“Usually it’s couples that hold hands, Dean.” Cas says.

“I know.” Dean smiles, almost sadly and Cas wonders why. But he doesn’t question it. He just moves a little closer and smiles back and holds Dean’s hand. 

Dean looks down. Then back up. Then to the side. Finally he looks at Cas and Cas’ heart does a small flip. He doesn’t know much about human emotion, he hasn’t been on Earth long enough to know it all. But from what he does know, and from what he feels, he thinks they are probably having a moment. He also is nearly certain that he loves Dean a fair bit more than he loves the rest of humanity.

“Do angels feel things like humans do Cas?” Dean asks. Cas would have thought Dean was reading his mind had he not known that humans can’t do that.

“I can’t be sure.” Cas says. “In heaven, our emotions aren’t strong. Most angels don’t even notice them. But after being on earth… you begin to pick up on emotions. They get stronger. It’s difficult to get used to.”

“What kinds of emotions do you feel?”

“Excitement. Happiness. Love. Anger. Hate. Fear. all of them. In heaven… they were there, just… quieter.” 

Dean wants to ask what Cas feels right now. What he feels for him. If he can even distinguish the difference between friendship and more. And if he can, which one does he feel for Dean? But he’s never been one to ask about feelings. 

The only reason they’re standing here at all, talking about things Dean would normally have avoided, is because his stupid emotions couldn’t help but flare up. Because he’s been shoving this away since before it started. Because even before Castiel, and before Sam got back into hunting, maybe even since they were back in school, Dean has kept the lid screwed onto this jar so tightly that in order to open it, he had to shatter the entire thing. Because he’s been scared. Maybe of Sam. Maybe of Dad. Maybe of Cas. Maybe of himself. 

But Cas shattered the jar. And He can’t figure out how to glue the pieces back together and close it back up. So he isn’t going to bother with it anymore.

“You could have just told that girl that you weren’t interested. So why’d you pretend we were together?”

“I’m not sure, Dean.” Cas sighs. Then he smiles tiredly and looks up into Dean’s eyes.

“Why did you hold my hand?” Cas asks. Dean swallows.

“I think my human emotions took over.”

“My human emotions take over far too often when I’m around you.” Cas says matter of factly and Dean freezes. 

“What’s that mean?”

“Dean, we have a very strong friendship. Except… I seem to have allowed it to develop into something a bit… beyond friends on my side.” Cas says, looking at his shoes and taking his hand out of Deans. “I’m sorry, I did not mean to,” 

Deans mind short circuits. He stands there, mouth open slightly, staring disbelieving at Cas. Cas. An angel of the freaking lord. Heavenly soldier of god. Rebel of heaven. Falling angel. Beyond friends? Cas smiles sadly and nods. Then he backs away from Dean a bit.

“Cas?”

“I can catch up with you guys in the morning.” Cas says, but he doesn’t disappear right away. As if he’s hoping Dean will stop im. (he is hoping). 

When Dean just stands there, staring, the woosh of cold air and the feeling of returning to reality wakes Deans mind from it’s haze. Castiel is gone.

“What was that?” He asks himself, climbing into the driver’s seat of his baby. 

He thinks for a moment. Through the conversation he had with Cas. What Cas said. 

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

Shit! Dean was really stupid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I note that I am just starting season 8? 
> 
> anyway, I'll try for a third chapter tomorrow


	3. 3: Sam's Advice and Deans Avoidance Skills

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this one isn't as good as the first two, but I tried
> 
> btw, rn I'm only on season 8 of supernatural (sadly), so feel free to ask for prompts or send ideas, but try not to go beyond that point

“Castiel. Get your angelic ass back down here and talk to me!” Dean says loudly in the direction of the sky. “I’m sorry it took me so long to answer.” He adds when there’s no movement. “I just had to process it.” He continues. “Cas’ c’mon man,” 

Dean waits a few moments, and when Cas doesn’t show, he starts the car and heads back to the hotel.

“Where’s Cas?” Sam asks almost as soon as he gets into the room.

“He left.”

“For what? Did something happen up in heaven?”

“No. He had stuff to do.” Dean dismisses, but Sam isn’t having any of it, and he can see right through his brother.

“What did you say?” Sam says accusingly.

“Nothing!”

“I don’t believe that.” Sam huffs. “Cas has done everything he can to help us Dean. You have got to either get over whatever you have for him, or act on it. Don’t stuff it away until you get angry and scare him off.”

“What are you talking about?” Dean asks.

“You know what I’m talking about, I’ve tried to give you time, but it’s like, the fourth time he’s left because you snapped at him, so I’ve got to say something.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Then what did you do.”

“No. Sam. I didn’t say anything.”

“What?” Sam is lost and Dean sighs. Might as well get this over with now. Not as if he would be able to keep it a secret much longer anyway. Plus, Sam could probably give him advice.

“He told me something. And I said nothing. So he left.”

“What he tell you? Why didn’t you respond?” 

“I don’t know, I panicked, I didn’t know what he meant at first, it was dark out and the stars were doing that sparkly thing and it was like a some shitty romantic movie, I didn’t know what was happening.” Dean defends himself, throwing his coat down onto a chair and falling back onto his bed. 

“Wait… you’re gonna have to be a little more clear.”

“I think he told me he was in love with me.”

“Really?”

“I mean, he was talking about friendship, then he said he was sorry and something about deeper bonds, then he said he didn’t mean to, then he left.” Dean starts to ramble again. “He said more stuff in between that, and we held hands twice now, and what the fuck do I do?”

“Well how do you feel about him?”

“Do we need to talk about this?”

“Dean. You asked me what to do.”

“Right. Well, I don’t know.” 

“You know I wouldn’t care if you liked him right.” Sam clarifies. And as much as Dean hates to admit it, it does help to hear Sam say it. Even if he knew that Sam wouldn’t have a problem with it.

“...yeah. I know.”

“Okay. So call him down here and tell him you love him back.”

“I tried calling him already. He didn’t come.”

“Is he still coming tomorrow for the hunt?”

“I think so.”

“So tell him then.”

Dean nods and stands up, he heads to the bathroom to get ready for bed. He doesn’t sleep well that night.

“Dean. Get up.” Sam is saying in his annoyed voice. Dean grunts and rolls over, sunlight blinds him for a moment and he pushes himself out of bed.

“What time is it.”

“Almost seven.” 

“Is Cas here?”

Sam looks at Dean, who focuses on pulling clothes from his bag.

“He’s not here yet.” Sam sighs and Dean nods, pretending he doesn’t care. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Cas doesn’t feel the way Dean thought he felt. Maybe all of Dean's hand holding freaked him out. Maybe he heard him wrong. 

But Dean was pretty sure that what Cas said sounded a hell of a lot like he felt the same. Honestly, he had been replaying the scene so many times that he can’t really remember exactly what did and didn’t happen.

Until Cas gets here, the best they could do was some research.

“Okay, So get this,” Sam says, coming out of the bathroom with a stack of files, his toothbrush still in his mouth. “Almost every one of the bartenders who were taken served this same customer,” 

“Really? Who?” Dean asks.

“This guy in his mid thirties who got into town about two weeks ago.”

“Right when people started going missing.”

“Exactly.”

“So any idea on what it is?”

“Not yet, I was gonna ask Cas what he thought.” Sam says, flipping back through the papers. “Maybe we should try calling him.” Sam suggests, not looking up.

“Alright, you give it a go.”

“You’re the one that upset him, you guys gotta work this out before we go anywhere.”

“Sammy.” Dean whines.

“I’m not sitting in a car with you two and a whole lotta awkward silence. It was bad enough before he confessed.” 

“You knew?”

“How could I not know, Dean?” Sam all but shouts, then he sighs and continues to brush his teeth. He goes back to the bathroom and the sink turns on. A few seconds later he shouts out to Dean, “Just try calling him.” Dean shakes his head and looks at the ceiling.

“Castiel. Cas. I know you’re upset with me. But I’m sorry. We kinda were hoping for your help on this hunt. And we should talk. About what happened.” Dean says. He opens one eyes but theres nothing. 

“Cas, Come on man. This doesn’t need to change anything.”

Still nothing. 

“Castiel! Dean is in love with you, now get down here, I got a question.” Sam calls. Dean whips around angrily and throws a pillow at him.

“Hello Dean. and Sam. 

Sam turns and goes back to the bathroom to finish getting ready, leaving Dean in the main room of the hotel with Cas.

“Cas.” Dean says, surprised.

“Yes, Dean.” Suddenly, panic surges through Dean and he looks up at Cas’ blue eyes, and all he can think about is the fact that everything he’s loved has been destroyed. Everything except Sam. He doesn’t want anything to happen to Cas. 

He isn’t avoiding his feelings. He’s keeping Cas safe. He can almost see the glare Sam is gonna give him later.

“Glad you’re here man, we could use your angelic knowledge.” Dean smiles, stuffing the panic away and clapping Cas on the shoulder. Cas looks taken aback for a moment, but quickly regains composure, nodding stiffly. When Sam’s done in the bathroom, Dean takes his turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter 4 in the making
> 
> I am open to advice and friendly criticism :)


	4. 4: Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if anyone really cares too much, but I'm sorry for not posting
> 
> This might be the last chapter, but I might do one more, I'm still deciding

“Sam,” Cas says, sitting next to Sam on the couch. Dean had left to get food for lunch in an attempt to escape Cas, he wouldn’t be back for at least a half hour.

“Yeah?”

“You said Dean was in love with me.” Cas says, not looking at Sam.

“He didn’t say anything?” Sam asks, but he knew Dean. So he knew he avoided confrontation.

“He acted as if nothing happened.”

“What did happen?” Sam asks.

“We held hands.” Cas looks at his hands. “I told him that he was more than a friend to me.” Cas looks up at Sam now. “He just stared at me. He looked shocked. So I left.”

“Cas…” Sam starts. “Dean is horrible with feelings.” 

“They weren’t his feelings.”

“But he has the same feelings. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that. He’s scared.”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know. Getting hurt. You getting hurt. Both. He’s Dean.” Sam sighs.

“So what do I do?”

“You have to talk to him. Make it clear that you reciprocate his feelings. Make it obvious. Dean’s insecure and in denial so it has to be really, blaringly obvious.” Sam says with a small encouraging smile.

“Okay…” Cas says hesitantly.

“Now, I think when Dean gets back we should eat and go check out the homes of the vics, see if anything was left behind.”

“That sounds sufficient.” Cas nods and moves back to the table.

So about twenty minute later, when Dean barges in with a plastic bag of takeout, the three of them eat quickly and silently, Dean and Cas sneaking looks at each other and Sam debating with himself over whether he should say something or just try to focus on his sandwich.

He tries to just focus on the sandwich.

After they’ve finished eating, they pack up their stuff and head to the car.

“Alright, so I think we would cover more ground if we split up right?” Sam says, Dean shakes his head, he knows exactly where this is going.

“I would agree.” Cas says, nodding to Sam, Dean runs a hand through his hair in defeat.

“Great,” Sam beams at Dean, giving him the I win, you lose look. “So I’ll go see about victims one and two, and you two can check out number three, then see what you can dig up at the police station. Maybe the officers have some info we don’t.”

“Alright. Leads head out then.” Dean sighs, “I’m taking Baby.” Sam rolls his eyes but nods, grabbing his bag from the trunk and heading off in the direction of victim number one’s house.

Dean and Cas are sitting silently in the car. Dean is driving, pointedly not looking at Cas. But Cas has his gaze fixed searchingly on Dean. 

“Would you stop looking at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re trying to read my mind or something.” Dean says. Then in a moment of realization, he panics, “You aren’t reading my mind, right?”

“No, Dean. I am not reading your mind. That would be an extreme invasion of your privacy. I promised you I wouldn’t.”

“Good.” Dean lets out a relieved sigh, turning his eyes back to the road. Cas keeps staring.

“You’re still doing it, Cas.” Dean says without taking his eyes off the road.

“Sorry.” Cas looks away. A minute goes by. Then two. It’s awkward. “Dean, we need to talk about this.” Cas says. But Dean is pulling over in front of the third victims house.

“Later Cas. We’ll talk later.” And with that, the two of them push away their feelings and take out their fake badges.

It’s almost four hours later that Dean and Cas are sitting in the impala, waiting for Sam to be finished in the library. The interviews had gone well, they got a little more evidence and a few more ideas as to what they were hunting. Sam wanted to check some files and translate some stuff, so Dean had dropped him off at the library and he and Cas picked up food. 

So at that moment they were eating in the front seats of the Impala, waiting for Sam.

“Dean. I don’t understand how you did not understand my confession.” Cas says out of the blue.

“What?” Dean says, swallowing his bite of burger.

“I thought I was quite obvious in saying that I reciprocate your feelings for me.”

“What feelings?”

“Sam said you had feelings.” 

“Dammit, Sam.” Dean makes a mental note to put pink dye in his brothers shampoo next time he has the chance. 

“Was he wrong in assuming you felt the same?”

“I-” Dean hesitates. He looks at Cas. He can’t deny the fact that the feeling exists. It’s there. It’s strong. It’s begging to be acknowledged. But it’s dangerous. It’s scary. And Dean couldn’t bear to lose Cas. 

But he also couldn’t bear to lie to Cas anymore.

“Cas… everyone I’ve been close to has been roped into this awful life. There’s no escaping once you’re here and I don’t need you getting hurt.”

“I’m already a part of this Dean. I’m already a hunter.”

“But you’re an angel. You still have a chance.”

“I have no chance. I lost all my chances the minute I let myself fall for you.”

“Cas… ”

“Dean. If I could go back and redo it all, I wouldn’t change a thing.” Cas says, it’s almost a whisper, but Dean hears it clearly.

“Why?”

“Because you are Dean Whinchester. You care for people you’ll never know, you hurt for the people you couldn’t save, you took care of your brother when your dad didn’t, you grew up before you should have had to. You are Dean Winchester.”

“Cas, I’ve been to hell. I’ve done… so much. I literally sold my soul to a demon.”

“You did it to save your brother. You’ve done so much good for the world.” Dean looks at Cas sadly. “You forget that I was the one who pieced your soul back together after hell.” Cas says seriously. Dean can’t look away from him. “I know you Dean. And that doesn’t stop me from loving you.”

“But that doesn’t change the fact that I put you in danger.”

“I’m in danger anyway Dean.”

“Cas, you’re an angel. What do you know about human love?”

Cas looks slightly offended and Dean feels bad. But he worries that the angel simply doesn’t know what he is feeling. Maybe he is just confused. He will realize that Dean isn’t who he thought he was. He will realize he didn’t love him. He will leave again. And this time he won’t come back.

“Dean. I know what I’m feeling. And I always come back.”

“You read my mind.” Dean realizes, annoyed.

“You were thinking loudly”

“I’m sorry.” Dean finally forces himself to say. Leaning back in his seat and looking ahead of him.

“For what?” Cas asks, Dean can see the head tilt without even looking at him.

“For ignoring you and trying to get out of this conversation.”

“And I’m sorry for not answering your prayers.” Cas says. “And for reading your mind.” 

“I suppose I could forgive you.”

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas says, Dean looks at him. 

The sound of Sam opening the door to the backseats of the Impala wake Cas and Dean from their trance. 

“Did I interrupt something?” Sam asks, smirking knowingly. 

“Course not,” Dean shakes his head, but he turns and smiles at Cas. “Ready to go?” Dean asks, Sam nods from the backseat, trying to find a way to sit comfortably with legs that are about four times too big for the backseat.

They pull out of the library parking lot. The tension that had been filling the air before was now gone and Sam looked between his brother and his friend, the two were still glancing at each other, but they didn’t appear to be hiding it. Finally. Sam thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


End file.
